My Great Grandfather

So I thought I would share something about my Great Grandfather, the father of the notebook owner and this might go some way to explain her sense of humour.

My Great Grandfather was named Thomas Henry Pickup, he was married to Ellen Rushton, they will now be known by the names Tom and Nellie (what they were called). He was a skinny but jolly man with a roll-up cigarette always hanging from his mouth, she was a miserable old prude.

Tom and Nellie ran a guest house in a little seaside town on the Kent coast and my nan, mum et al would spend the summer holidays there, Tom could almost always be found in an area known as the workhouse (only he chuckled at the name he’d given it) Here he would turn the handle of the vegetable peeler and as he did so he would sing. If Nellie heard him she would shout “TOM! the children might hear!” he would chuckle and wait for her to move to another area of the house at which point he would start again.

Now I have included this link only to give you the tune he sang, his words were as follows:

*Oh the boys, the boys of Scotland

Shooting peas up Sally’s bottom

There she stood, her legs wide open

Looking at the moon.*

I really wish I could’ve met him.

Mantha 🙂

Grandmother’s notebook part 3

This particular excerpt is really rather dated, the third man hardly exists at all but I think its funny enough to share anyway… Of course now if any of the men mentioned ever say these words you will remember this and laugh.

Five men in a woman’s life.

Doctor…………………………………… Says “STRIP”

Dentist…………………………………. Says “OPEN WIDE”

Coalman………………………………. Says “BACK OR FRONT”

Decorator……………………………… Says “HOW DO YOU LIKE IT NOW IT’S UP?”

Banker…………………………………. Says “DON’T TAKE IT OUT OR YOU WILL LOSE INTEREST”

 

Mantha 🙂

Grandmother’s notebook part 2

Please remember that these are taken from my grandmother’s notebook, they were probably written in there in the 1970s and were just to amuse not to offend. Please do not be offended by anything written here.

DEFINITIONS.

Mother’s day                                                                                                                                     9 months after Father’s day

Brassiere                                                                                                          Device for making mountains out of molehills

Adultery                                                                                                                       The wrong people doing the right thing

Divorce                                                                                                                        When 2 people can’t stomach each other

Kiss                                                                                                                                   An application at H.Q. for a job at base

Kissing                                                                                                                                                       Sabotage before invasion

Prostitute                                                                                                                                                                          A busy-body

Rape                                                                                                                                             Seduction without salesmanship

Virgin                                                                                                                                                                                A wise-crack

Pyjamas                                                                                                                                   Article placed in bed in case of fire

Board of Trade                                                                                                                                                A bench in Hyde Park

Naval cutter                                                                                                                                                          Elastic in knickers

Grub screw                                                                                                                       Sexual intercourse during lunch hour

Sand-bag                                                                                                                                                                    Desert prostitute

Puff adder                                                                                                           Man who farts in bath and counts the bubbles

Taxidermist                                                                                                                                             Man who mounts animals

Yankee clipper                                                                                                                                                    An American Rabbi

Papoose        Consolation prize for taking chances on Native American rugs

Endless belt                                                                                                                                              A sailor on 24 hours leave

Virgin sheep                                                                                                             One that can run faster than the shepherd

Ball race                                                                                                                                     Tom cat with 20 yard start on vet

Wind jammer                                                                                                                                            Hard turd with knot in it

Blunderbuss                                                                                                                Coach load of spinsters going to maternity

Hormone                                                                                                                                               Noise heard outside a brothel

Homosexuality                                                                                                               The means to widen the circle of friends

Panic                                                                                                                                          2 prisoners in shower, soap on floor

Insomnia                                                                                                                                           When a bridegroom can’t sleep

Lady                                          One who doesn’t drink, smoke or swear when it drops out

Welsh rarebit                                                                                                                                                                    Cardiff virgin

Noise                                                                                                                          2 skeletons having intercourse in biscuit tin

 

 

Mantha 🙂

Grandmother’s notebook

Today I copied some passages from an old notebook that once belonged to my maternal grandmother, why did I copy them? Because when I saw them I realised that my nan was not the sweet old lady I remembered…

The Law as it should be.

One evening after the theatre, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well-dressed and attractive lady walking just ahead of them. One of the men turned to the other and remarked “I’d give fifty dollars to spend the night with that woman.”

To their surprise the young lady overheard the remark and turning round she said, “I’ll take you up on that.” She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so bidding his companion good-night the man accompanied the lady to her home, where they immediately went to bed.

The following morning, the man presented her with twenty-five dollars and prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money, stating, “If you don’t give me the other twenty-five dollars, I’ll sue you for it.” He laughed saying, “I’d like to see you get it on those grounds.”

The next day he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as the defendant in a law suit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case. His lawyer said “She can’t possibly get a judgement against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case is presented.”

After the usual preliminaries, the lady’s lawyer addressed the court as follows:

“Your Honour, my client, this lady here, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of fifty dollars. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purpose for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises he paid only twenty-five dollars, one half the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive since it was restricted property, and we ask judgement be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance.

The defendant’s lawyer was impressed and very amused at the way his opponent had presented the case. His defence, therefore was somewhat altered from the way he originally planned to present it.

“Your Honour,” he said, “my client agrees that the young lady has a fine piece of property, that he did rent such property for a while, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property, around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft and erected a pump, all labour personally performed by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of the said property, we, therefore, ask that no judgement be granted.”

The young lady’s lawyer came back with this:

“Your Honour, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on the property and that he did make improvements such as my opponent has described. However, had the defendant not known the well existed; he never would have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged his equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy. Making it easily accessible to little children. We, therefore, ask that the judgement be granted.”

AND SHE GOT IT……

My nan had as dirty a mind as anyone and I will show this in more excerpts from her notebook, so keep an eye out for them!

Mantha 🙂